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I don't even know where to begin. So many thoughts and feelings swirl around in my head and heart. It really feels too private to share. I don't know. I have been awaiting to hear from Dr. S about the results of my uterus and whether or not something can be done to help prevent another loss of a baby. Today he finally called, of course in the middle of the school day, so I have to repress and hold in these things till I can make it home. Keep it together and act like everything's ok. On that note, I'm home now. I was somewhat disappointed to find out my uterus IS bicornuate not septate. Any proceedure to correct this condition is not recommended at this point. So, here I am stuck with the same uterus for the next time I'm pregnant. It just depends on where the embryo implants as to whether or not he/she can survive long enough in the womb. I know should be thankful to have a uterus, and that I've been able to get pregnant and have a living daughter, but the news just brings back so much of the hurt and pain. The longing to hold my son and see him, and watch him grow up with our family. The crack in my heart that I thought was healing just opens back up. I am reminded that everyday I feel like a broken piece of china. I feel older with the experiences of life that age a person. Please don't misunderstand and think that I feel all alone or with out God. HE is the ONLY ONE who can and does heal my heart. HE is the ONLY ONE who understands me completely. I am thankful that He knows me so well, and cares. Despite the healing, there will always be a scar. Even though it will fade over time, it will always be there. I will learn to trust Him and lean not on my own understanding. My own understanding that tries to convince me there's no hope for my uterus, that only the same will happen again. I guess it's a possibility, but I want to lean on God's understanding, where miracles are possible and that even if it happens again, He has a purpose. I just have a broken body, but God knows that and He has a plan.
Now it's back to the daily grind. I find that just as before, there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day, even not watching TV. And, I'm so distracted. It's like ADD on steroids! I can sympathize even more with some of my kids, but on the other hand is harder for me at this point since I DO have so much on my mind.
I leave this post feeling somewhat better, although still disappointed in some aspects. Thankful for God. He is what gets me through everyday. He is my hope and my rock.